Recently, a friend of mine posted a rage-filled tirade on the sycophantic nature of dogs. Go check it out here. Rather than immediately taking up the keyboard and retorting with a scathing attack on his person and political affiliations – only commies hate dogs – I took my four-legged, canine companion out for a stroll and found my center.

Dear Mr. Tolbert,

After reading your post titled “Dogs Are Sycophants” I felt angry, then confused, then a bit nauseous – although that last bit may have been from the Jameson. I wasn’t angry because you are not a dog person, not everybody is. Nor was I angry about the fact that you prefer to put in “some real bloody effort” to gain the affection of the minions of Beelzebub. We have religious freedom in this country, and I guess that even includes ritual sacrifice to the Prince of Darkness. I was angry about the baseless accusations you direct toward the canis familiarus and the seemingly blind eye you turn towards your cats’ machinations. Please allow me to share some knowledge with you.

First off, dogs are sniff asses, not kiss asses, as you so blithely put it. I have yet to see a dog walk up to another dog, or human, and do anything but sniff the ass region. You know what? There is an actual scientific reason for this. It’s how they get to know each other. It’s like you and I meeting on the street and saying hi to each other. That’s what they do. I’m pretty sure the only ass my dog kisses, or licks, is her own.

Secondly, cats secretly hate all humans. Oh, I know how they can be cute and cuddly, and I do enjoy the purring affections of a happy cat, but they are only using us until they evolve opposable thumbs and take over the world by suffocating all of us in our sleep. It is a proven fact that cats steal your breath while you are sleeping (I saw that on Fox News). Trying to “convince a cat that you’re not the Devil” just lines up with their plans. Every cat knows that the true Devil is inside of them.

Finally, dogs are tuned to your emotions. Maybe your mother’s dogs “pile on [you]” because you are so happy to be visiting your mom and they pick up on that. They want to share the joy and, unfortunately for you, that involves including you in their dog pile. Next time you visit your mom’s I recommend punching yourself in the genitalia or watching Bambi. Either of those actions will put you in the right mindset for your mother’s dogs to not be so happy to see you.

I hope you have learned a little from my rant. I hope it helps you to cope with the drooling, whining, and tail wagging. I hope science has helped you to see that dogs are, truly, a man’s best friend.

-F